This Will Never Be My Life

The only thing I’ve ever known I was supposed to do with my life is be a mother.  When I was a little girl I imagined having a large family, with as many kids as possible.  I also wanted to name my first born daughter Snestina (no, seriously) so I understand that plans change over time.  I came across a newborn/family shoot on Sweet Little Peanut’s blog that hit a nerve.  One particular photograph by Samantha Kelly Photography resonated with me.  I smiled so big the first time I saw it and even showed Kyle, and the second time I saw it my heart ached.  This mother is sitting on a bed holding her newborn baby girl.  It would’ve been just as amazing of a photo if it ended there, but around mom and baby were four other children jumping on the bed.  It’s such a happy picture and a scene that I imagine was full of giggles and squealing.

Samantha-Kelly-Photography-9000

Suddenly I realized this would never be me, this would never be my life.  I would never have the opportunity to be the mother of 5 children of different ages.  My reality is that I will be lucky to have two children.  My home may still be filled with laughter, but it will come from fewer people.  How do I make myself okay with this?  How do I let go of the vision I’ve had since I was a child?  How do I redefine what motherhood will be like for me? I wish I had all the answers and I wish I were stronger.

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2 thoughts on “This Will Never Be My Life

  1. Grieiving your infertility is a process that you can’t really ever prepare yourself for. You do have to take time to mourn the loss of your dreams of having a big family or having biological children or whatever being infertile has taken from you. I’ve found that as soon as I think I’m past certain feelings it only takes something small to leave me feeling empty again. My sister gave me some advice early on in my journey and it’s helped me a lot. She told me to let myself feel whatever I need to feel. It sounds simple but it’s allowed me to have bad days where I feel sorry for myself or skip a baby shower or avoid my pregnant friends. And my husband has learned to detect when I’m having one for those moments which helps when I don’t feel like talking about it.
    I’ve had some of the same thoughts about changing my idea of what being a mother will be like for me. What has helped me is to just focus on having one child. Even though I have good odds of being successful with IVF there’s still a chance it might not work. So I try not to spend too much time thinking that far in the future. Ultimately you have to let go of what could have been and be grateful for the opportunity you do have to be a mom. I know none of this is easy but you are strong enough to get through it. And you will have such a greater appreciation for the children you do have and no one can take that away from you. Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Shelly,
    Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing what helps you through. I definitely feel like I’m grieving a loss and some days are better than others. The last two days have been not so great days but I’m trying to turn it around. Somehow, someway I will be a mom. Thanks for helping me feel a bit better and a bit stronger!!!

    Like

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