This journey is hard. It changes a person. That may come off as slightly dramatic and maybe it is, but it’s the truth. When I talk to people, I can hear my voice is different now. I’m not the same woman I was before starting down this path. What I’ve noticed is when faced with this journey a lot of people go one of two ways (not all, this is not intended to be a mass generalization, just my observation): obsession or depression, and sometimes both.
I follow a lot of people on instagram who have special TTC (trying to conceive) accounts. They post pictures from each doctors appointment, they give specific stats about their eggs and embryos and every symptom they have after transfer, analyzing any little feeling within their body. I do this too. It’s so consuming, this infertility stuff. Your days become scheduled around appointments and injections. You become this crazy superstitious person who starts eating pineapple core and avocado because you read some study that says it could help. You get laser acupuncture, which just seems like someone is holding a price scanner to your body. But hey, they say it helps! You look to your friends, family and support group for validation that your symptoms could very well mean you’re showing early signs of pregnancy. You eat, breathe and live your infertility journey every second of every day.
When you first find out you’re suffering with infertility you go through a grieving process. You don’t ever really ‘get over it.’ You just learn to go on. You no longer have fun doing things you used to do because all you can think about is how you so desperately want to be a parent, yet can’t. You feel like that commercial where you have a black rain cloud just following you around all day. While you know it’s ridiculous and that you’re blessed beyond measure for the things you do have, you still can’t feel happy. Most clinics have therapists/social workers who can work with patients as they go through their journey. It’s because it’s needed, yet a lot of us won’t make that appointment. I mean, we already miss a ton of work and a ton of personal/family functions, how are we supposed to squeeze in another appointment with another person that we will have to tell our story all over again to. More people should make these appointments.
I find myself going back and forth between obsession and depression. But mixed in, is this weird feeling….hope. How can one be depressed and hopeful at the same time? I can’t explain that other than to say if you’ve gone through it, you get it. While being depressed that my body won’t work the way it was intended, I’m hopeful that with all of the steps we have taken that we will be parents someday (soon).
I’m currently 4 days past my day 6 transfer. I will have 4 more days to wait before my next appointment that will test for very early levels of hCG (pregnancy hormones). I’m confident. I’ve been analyzing each little symptom and feeling I’ve had and it all adds up. But even after friday’s appointment, that doesn’t mean I’m in the clear. It’s still a long while before we can breathe a sigh of relief. I hear from most IVFers that they walk on eggshells until after the first 12 weeks are over (when miscarriage rates drastically drop). Regardless of outcome on Friday, we won’t be talking about it right away with anyone. If we’re pregnant, we’ll need some time to keep that just between us until we’re at a ‘safe’ point. If we’re not, we’ll need time to grieve and think and assess where we go from here. I’ll be posting about other things (nutrition, nursery ideas, maternity fashion, etc.). Just know that we’ll let you know when we’re ready. I hope you can understand. Thank you for supporting us, always.