I debated whether I should write this post. First off, let me start by saying that I’m not ‘outwardly’ religious, meaning I won’t preach to you, I won’t try to argue with you, I don’t go to church (though we may want that to change for the babies) and I rarely talk about prayer and things of the like. Second, we seem to live in a culture that has more depression than ever, yet no one wants to talk about it and especially not in the pregnancy/mommy world. I have not been diagnosed with depression or anything like that, but after yesterday I feel myself slipping into this place that I don’t recognize. It’s been a long time since I felt like this – like since middle school (which is a post for another time, maybe even for a different blog). Yesterday when I was in the hospital, I got teary-eyed once and my husband helped to calm me down. I think I was mostly in shock at everything that was happening. Though I will say, when I got up yesterday morning, I just had this aching feeling that we were going to be making a hospital visit. Anyway, I came home last night, texted our moms and my sister-in-law and wrote a blog post. The rest of the night went on like it normally does.
This morning I woke up at 4:20 am – anyone who is or has been pregnant can understand this. I then laid in bed from 4:25 – 9:25 (with one more pee break in between), but not a wink of sleep. I have so many things racing through my brain. I was feeling low, really low. It’s only gotten worse throughout the day. I keep thinking: have I caused this, is this because I haven’t enjoyed every ounce of my pregnancy so far, were the doctors right to tell us that we should only transfer 1 embryo, is my cervix the issue or is it that there are two babies and not much room, could I have prevented this, is it because I rarely take my vitamins since they make me feel sick, please let them stay put until 36 weeks, if they can’t stay put please, please don’t take them from me. I shed a few tears this morning and at different points during the day, but tried to hold back because I don’t want to upset my husband or totally fall apart. Stress isn’t good for the babies, but how the hell do you not stress about this? After eventually getting up and starting the day, my husband was working on a shelf for the nursery closet. I snuck in while he was in the garage and just glided away in our glider. I stared at the book ledges that are already full of books, the cribs that are set up (minus mattresses and sheets and whatnot), the area rug on the ground and the baby books I received in the mail, from a still unknown sender. Tears welled up in my eyes. How long would it be before my babies would be using this room? If born prematurely, how long would they have beds in the NICU vs. beds at home where they belong? What kind of complications could they face if they came now, or next week, or at 30 weeks or 32? Could they survive if they came now? Do I have any control over any of this? Will I even know if I go into pre-term labor since the symptoms can be a bit different from regular labor and since I’ve never done this before? All of these things are weighing heavily on me today.
I’ve never prayed as much in my life as I have since right before beginning our IVF cycle. I try to keep them short, as I know there are people out there with ‘real’ problems who probably need more help than I could ever understand. And, they’re pretty much always the same prayers. At this point it’s something like, “Please help these babies to grow big, strong and healthy. Please let them stay in as long as possible, like to 36+ weeks. Please keep our family safe.” Short, sweet, to the point. I don’t know if I’m doing it right, but that’s what I do. I truly believe that through this process we have not been alone. Prayers have already been answered. IVF being possible, my hormone levels rising and then holding steady so our cycle wasn’t cancelled, getting pregnant, finding out it was two babies and getting us this far. So this is what I do when I enter a dark place – I pray and I hope that I’m heard and that these babies are going to be okay.
I realize this method doesn’t work for everyone, but what I want this blog post to say is that depression or signs of sadness during pregnancy and mommyhood are a lot more common than people like to admit. Do what you need to do to pull yourself out of a slump. Call a doctor, friend or family member. Don’t struggle alone. Open up and be truthful about your journey because it isn’t all rainbows and fairytales. You are not alone. I am not alone.
I also have to thank a very special group of women, whom I’ve never actually met in person. The ‘trying-to-conceive’ community (mostly on instagram, but a few have found me through my blog too) has been a huge support. Everyone is sending their well-wishes, happy thoughts, prayers and their own scary stories that turned out to have happy endings. I couldn’t do this without all of you. You know just what I’m going through. I feel your love, and your support. So thank you, thank you, thank you!