This Will Never Be My Life

The only thing I’ve ever known I was supposed to do with my life is be a mother.  When I was a little girl I imagined having a large family, with as many kids as possible.  I also wanted to name my first born daughter Snestina (no, seriously) so I understand that plans change over time.  I came across a newborn/family shoot on Sweet Little Peanut’s blog that hit a nerve.  One particular photograph by Samantha Kelly Photography resonated with me.  I smiled so big the first time I saw it and even showed Kyle, and the second time I saw it my heart ached.  This mother is sitting on a bed holding her newborn baby girl.  It would’ve been just as amazing of a photo if it ended there, but around mom and baby were four other children jumping on the bed.  It’s such a happy picture and a scene that I imagine was full of giggles and squealing.

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Suddenly I realized this would never be me, this would never be my life.  I would never have the opportunity to be the mother of 5 children of different ages.  My reality is that I will be lucky to have two children.  My home may still be filled with laughter, but it will come from fewer people.  How do I make myself okay with this?  How do I let go of the vision I’ve had since I was a child?  How do I redefine what motherhood will be like for me? I wish I had all the answers and I wish I were stronger.

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